The Stare That Breaks Me

I miss my family, I miss setting up the Christmas tree, which I don't even know if they did. I miss the daily anticipation, as it gets closer to Christmas morning, even as we get older, and we spend less on gifts, and more thought on spending more time together.

I miss the smell of decorations, the look of the tree at night when it is the only light, besides the tv, and the sound of the Christmas carols that Mom likes to play.

There's times at work when I am just about to cry because they insist on our playing Christmas music from Dec 1-25. The thought of spending Christmas Day with anyone besides my Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, and Patches, well, it breaks my heart. It also reminds me that Pookie will not be there, and I don't care if other people are sick of hearing about me missing her. You know what? I loved, and still love her. I saw her get killed, and felt like it was my fault because I opened the door. But that doesn't matter to me. Because she may be gone, physically, but I know she is still here. She still visits me. I pray for her, and to her. I ask her to watch over my family, because I can't. Because I can't visit them, I ask her to. And all of this together is going to make me cry. I have been waiting for an opportunity to set up my tree, but I don't know if I want to. We don't really have room, and I am getting depressed already.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and have been leaning towards going to C.L. for Christmas, but I may be going alone if I do go. C will be spending the 25th with his parents, and the day before, and probably after too. J probably has to work. I kinda wanted to leave Christmas eve after work, and go to C.L., and leave either 25th night or 26th morning, but I don't want to drive in those conditions by myself. And it looks like neither can go with me for New Years either.

I miss my family so much. I am only three hours away, and it is so rare that I see them anymore.

I am sick of going down for so quick of a visit, that Patches will barely, kind of, not really, warm up to me again, and I leave again and he gives me the LOOK. The stare that breaks my heart.

Patches, I wish I could stay. I really do.

But I am going to go to bed now, so that I do not end up late for work. Big visit by head honchos tomorrow.

Yay.

If I don't get to see you guys, Merry Christmas. I am sending all of my love, hugs, squishes...

I wish I could be there, and bringing dirt pie.

Now that I am older, I want to go to the family get togethers and can't.

argh. Theya, it doesn't get easier. Feel blessed to live the good life right now.

I will talk to you all again soon.