My first Mother's Day

I can't even begin to express how I feel today.

I gaze over at the tiny little boy laying on a pillow next to me on the couch, sleeping soundly. (not sure how that happened, actually, he should be awake and hungry. Maybe it's his Mother's Day present to me.)

Disbelief. Adoration. Absolute unconditional love. More feelings than I thought I could ever feel.

I read someone else's blog post to their own Mother a few days ago, a letter in which she described how she never believed her Mom when she'd told her growing up that she loved her more than she could ever know, until she had children of her own.

It makes perfect sense to me now. Of course you love your parents, but in a different way than they love you, not better or worse, just different. I'm curious how it is different to have grandchildren, now...

Lately I often find myself thinking about all of the recent changes, about how I am a Mom, my Mom and Dad are Grandma and Grandpa...

Since having Eric, I am a lot more homesick. Especially when it gets really tough. (More on that later, though.)

I miss my Mom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my brother.
Most of all, I wish I could be there today to give Mom a Mother's Day hug and tell her how much I love her. How much I appreciate everything she does, who she is, and what it all means to me.

How I am starting to understand what being a Mom feels like. Although I am certain that will change over time, too, as Eric grows and Chris and I grow as parents.

Mom, I'm so grateful you are my Mother, and for everything you do for me.
I love you more than you will ever know, more than I could ever express in words.


You are an amazing person, and a wonderful Gramma! I hope to be as good of a Mom to Eric as you are to me.

All my love, Blaine

Beginning of a broken record

I imagine that soon enough, this post will be very similar to the response I will be perpetually giving to questions like 'how are you?' and "so what's new?'

I am tired. So tired.

I can't sleep most nights until about 4 or 5 a.m. and if I am lucky, stay asleep for about an hour at a time. (Then I wake up, go pee, maybe get something to drink, and go back to bed.)

(Wow, I know it's my blog and all, but the first three 'paragraphs' all started with "I". Not a good sign.)

A lot of people seem to think I have had a really hard time with this pregnancy, and I've been doing a lot of reflecting on it and can sort of understand why, but at the same time, still deny that.

Yeah, I had morning sickness (a lot of women do), and during the first trimester had a series of scares and issues. First, the doctor though the baby was ectopic, and might have required termination. Second, had some bleeding the night before the wedding and ended up in the hospital at 2 in the morning, worrying about miscarrying while a rude doctor bluntly says there's nothing he could do anyway - pure truth with no bedside manner or consideration for the already worried pregnant woman's feelings. Third, the previously mentioned morning sickness plus not being able to eat or drink much, then going to work in an all black outfit on a hot August day, sitting in a small, not ventilated room in the corner of a metal building, running around using energy I didn't have and calories I wasn't taking in, all added up to requiring a trip to the hospital to be pumped full of fluids and then the subsequent finding of another job. (All parties involved thought it best, no one forced anything.) I'd also ended up with a bladder infection that took forever to treat, and the antibiotic use led to 'other' issues which also took forever to clear up. (Fun fun fun.)

The job I ended up taking was night shift (don't get me started on THAT) which over time, caused other serious issues, including sleep and emotional problems. Almost immediately after leaving that job, most of the issues cleared up, including the carpal tunnel (until recently, anyway.), the anxiety, depression and 'other'. I was seriously messed up working nights and for my own personal reasons alone, I will NEVER recommend (and will strongly recommend against) pregnant women working night shifts.

The next job I went to, I worked at only briefly because I couldn't handle the pain it was causing. Even doing light duties and wearing an elastic support brace, my ligaments in my belly hadn't been used to my being upright and walking around, lifting and carrying, for as long as was required at that job. The only way I could make it through a shift was either to sit and do nothing (impossible) or to take more Tylenol than I was comfortable pumping into my system and then because he gets a little of everything I get, the baby's.

Since leaving that job, things haven't been so bad. The baby was kicking my ribs until they felt bruised, swollen and so sore it hurt to breathe, sure, but if he was lower in my belly, I'm sure there would be 'other' pains anyway. Yeah, he punches me straight downward once in a while, and rests on and abuses my bladder. I've got some minor heartburn issues, am short of breath. What pregnant woman doesn't go through that? (No one tells you all the little details, lest you decide to not have babies...)

I have to have a bath every night before bed to settle the RLS I've been getting, to make it 'slightly' easier to sleep. The baby has started dropping, and my hips ache, my back is unrelentingly sore, my pelvis is about 40 feet wider and I waddle like a penguin.

Again, whose doesn't?

There's a long list of things that I haven't had issues with (I'm sure can still pop up in this last week, but so far so good.) and I think that they may be the reason I am so thankful and have a more positive outlook on the issues I do have.

Yeah, I get frustrated with the sleeping problems I am having, and every couple of days, after sitting in bed trying to sleep for a few hours, I cry. It helps. I sleep. (Most of the time.)

I don't have hemorrhoids, my heartburn/reflux issues are easily dealt with with a single Tums (all except one occasion), and the baby is healthy. Hell, people seem surprised that I haven't yet swelled up enough to have to take off my wedding ring (@ 39 weeks, I am told this is impressive. I don't get how it is impressive. Maybe not common, but impressive, really?) and that I haven't really gained a huge amount of weight. (Even though I sure made an effort, especially at Christmas. Man, I was eating a TON of food, and I think the baby was just active enough to burn it all off! Who knows?) A couple of people seem quite annoyed that I've had it 'easy' and that pregnancy isn't kicking (and widening) my ass, but the majority of people still sympathize and react to me in general as if I am super fragile, having had a really rough time. Which I still vehemently deny.

There's been some other stress, what with Chris having had his surgery (better BEFORE the baby is born, though) and being on very limited disability payments, my Maternity Leave STILL not having been calculated/decided/whatever (and it's been 2 months) so having had no income at all while of course, bills keep coming in, mortgage and car payments keep going out, and us silly people keep eating.

Financial issues aside, we're all doing great.

Chris' surgery went well (the doctor warned us it might take another surgery to clear up the problem, but luckily one was all it took!) and he has healed quickly and fantastically. He still isn't 100% healed, the skin is still re-growing, but all things in time.

The baby is still doing great. He's upside down, for sure, still kicks regularly and sleeps often, and I am almost certain he is posterior (facing my back) and dropping. (For those who don't know - if Baby was facing the front when I go into labour and doesn't turn during labour, his back will be up against my spine, which makes for very painful back labour and a tougher delivery, so I am told.)

My waddle has increased significantly over the last few weeks, my belly sticks out more, and is itchy and covered with what started out as stretch marks that looked like a tiger cub reached up and scratched my lower abdomen in an awkward stretch. These same stretch marks have slowly spread, but still aren't 'that' bad, and whether or not they are bad, I could care less about them! (I was never concerned about getting stretch marks, and am less concerned about whether they will go away or not.)

Other than not sleeping, and generally not feeling that well, I'm doing great, and am looking towards the future week or two with a tad more nervousness than last week, but I am still very excited.

My general view, going in, is that first of all, I've never done this before, don't know what to expect, and will go in with an open mind. If I can do it without pain medication, great. If I decide I want an epidural, so be it. I think I would prefer not to have the epidural, for many reasons, both related to me and the baby, but am not going to go in saying NO when I really don't know.

Secondly, if billions of women have done it before me (and a LARGE majority without pain medication), then I will be fine, too.

Thirdly, I knew what I was getting into when we got pregnant. I've always known that being pregnant isn't all pickles and ice cream and putting your feet up and eating more food. Some things were a bit of a surprise, some things the books didn't mention at all  especially how funny it would be to your husband that one second you'll be standing in the kitchen putting away dishes and then after a quick "oooh" you have to run to the bathroom to keep from peeing your pants because the baby is repeatedly punching it.
(none of the books mentioned the baby punching/kicking straight downward. "Baby McCrea, at your cervix." Chris likes to joke... I don't really find it as funny, because it is freaking painful.)

Regardless of all of the above, and all of the other symptoms or side effects of pregnancy I could have gotten, I know that none of it will matter the instant the doctor hands me the baby. There's no point in being bitter or resentful about 'what I had to go through' because I would gladly go through it all over again.

I haven't even met him yet. But I so can't wait.

Getting there

According to my doctor (or at least in his opinion), I will have this baby before the due date.

I am 50% effaced, not dilated, but yeah. YAY!

Letter to the Baby

Dear Baby,

There is still 2 weeks and five days until your estimated due date, and your father and I could not be more excited.

I think we are as ready as we can be, this has been a long journey, and yet it has gone by so fast. I hope to write you letters (I know some people will know where this is inspired from, I think it is a beautiful idea.) but don't know what to expect, because, well, it all depends on you! We may be so preoccupied that we will forget about the idea until you're having your own babies. Who knows.

The day we found out we were pregnant with you, I will always remember. After a trip to Cold Lake to visit my side of the family, and to have our wedding shower, we headed home and arrived late at night. We got everything brought in the house and unloaded, of all things, a washer and dryer! It was about midnight, almost one o'clock in the morning on July 21st, 2008, and we finally were getting ready to head to bed. I decided to take a pregnancy test, since there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I set it aside for a minute, glanced back, did a double take and yelled for your father. Literally. I had always thought I would be able to come up with a great way to tell him, writing a letter, or something clever that we would remember forever. Apparently not. He found out after I yelled "CHRIS!!!" and crankily headed into the bathroom to see what was going on.

I told him there was two lines. He asked what that meant. In absolute shock, I told him I thought we were pregnant, and the change in his face was instantaneous.

From then on, the rest of the pregnancy has been a whirlwind. Of everything!

We had been planning our wedding for about 10 months before we found out we were pregnant, and got married on the 8th of August. It was made even more exciting because we knew that you were on your way, to take us from Newlyweds to New Parents, all in the same year!

Although we didn't know this specific reason until the technician told me in the middle of it, we went for an early ultrasound, on August 15th, because the doctor thought the pregnancy was ectopic. We thought we were around 10 weeks, and were expecting you to arrive March 14th! Our due date was changed to the 27th after the ultrasound. We were glad to see that you looked healthy and everything was okay.

I had morning sickness from about the 7th week, until about 13 or 14 weeks. It was terrible. I was extremely nauseous all morning, couldn't stomach the thought of eating anything, and then at some point, usually between 12 and 2 p.m., I would be sick. I would feel quite a bit better not long afterward, especially if I ate something right away. If I didn't eat, though, the nausea would come back.

Dehydration was an issue for me, too. In the early months, the nausea and limited eating meant I was barely drinking, too, and I ended up having to go to the hospital ER from work, and they had to pump me full of IV fluids to get me feeling better. After that point, I was drinking a lot of powerade to try to keep hydrated in between being sick.

I felt so much better after the morning sickness went away, but still not great, since I was working night shifts at the time. The doctor told me he wanted me to switch to regular hours or find another job, since I wasn't doing very well at all. I left that job, found another with a previous employer and worked there for a few months, long enough to realize that being on my feet for eight hours was not going to be feasible with my growing belly, the ligaments and muscles were not used to supporting the extra weight vertically, so it was excruciating. I can only imagine what those shifts would have felt like as I got even bigger!

We had received as a wedding gift, a certificate towards a stay at a beautiful resort in Banff, and we went in October, as a mini honeymoon. It was beautiful and we both had a great time. The place we stayed at was a great outdoorsy place, there wasn't even television or phones in the rooms, which is pretty rare these days. We had a great time, spending actual time together, and it made us feel even more lucky to have one another, and to be expecting you!

For so long, I felt little fluttery movements, like butterflies in my belly, but very distinctly 'different'. (SO not just gas!) At long last, I felt the first kick, the first real 'hey, I'm in here'! I was blown away, and basically always distracted from that point on, every time you moved!

The first time we saw you on the second ultrasound, on October 31st, we were blown away. It was amazing to see how much you had grown, and the difference from the first one to the second one was huge! You were moving around like crazy during that ultrasound and the technician said she rarely sees that much movement! You were moving around so much, that we ended up having to book another ultrasound, the technician couldn't get pictures of your face and head! We did get told you are a boy, and we were very excited about that, but didn't tell anyone right away, since I didn't really see it and wanted to confirm at the third ultrasound.

Our third ultrasound, on November 24th, you were sound asleep the whole time so the technician got the pictures she needed easily, but of course had your legs crossed, so we couldn't confirm your gender like I had wanted to. The technician was very certain when she told us, and your father had seen the screen more clearly, so I was over 95% convinced you are a boy, and we told everyone. Finally. :)

We've been planning the nursery and getting ready for a long time. One of the first things we did after getting pregnant (besides making a doctor's appointment and buying prenatal vitamins) was checking out prices for all of the furniture we needed. We are very lucky, and have been given a lot of things as gifts from very generous family and friends. Your room has been mostly ready for a few months, and your father and I both got the nesting instinct a few weeks ago and finally got it completely ready.

The range of emotions I've gone through has been immense, from shock to amazement to disbelief, and even being terrified and panicking! Your father, however, hasn't really gone through anywhere near the same reactions! I kept waiting for him to panic, and he just stayed calm and happy, after the initial shock wore off! I know exactly the moment that he will react, and that will be the first time he holds you, the first time you grab his finger, the first time you look him straight in the eyes and smile.

The shock of 'we're going to have a baby' and 'oh-my-god we're going to be parents' didn't really start to wear off for me, until about 7 or 8 months, and after that turned into pure excitement. There's 19 days left, and it's all I can think about!

Lately, you've gotten so big that my stomach is much smaller, I can barely eat half a meal, and get regular heartburn. I've been drinking milk, for the most part, to keep the heartburn settled, and it usually works, at least long enough to eat something. On the really bad days, I eat some Tums, and so far, haven't had to try anything stronger. According to old wives' tales, heartburn means you'll be born with hair, but we'll see!

Sleeping is a challenge every night now, although it got complicated months ago! As soon as my belly started to grow, it became very difficult to turn over, and since I was a stomach sleeper before I got pregnant, it was hard to get used to sleeping on my side comfortably. Now, at 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I get up AT LEAST 2 times nightly, usually 3, to go to the washroom, and while I am up, usually have a drink of milk, since it helps me to get to and stay asleep.

It is quite the workout to turn over now, I am certain I wake up your father every time I do, but he denies it, so either he doesn't remember, or it's only momentary.

The last month or so I have been getting Restless Leg Syndrome at night, I end up having to have a warm bath and go to bed immediately afterward to be able to get to sleep. I don't mind, since I like having baths, anyway, but it's getting harder and harder to get out without slipping!

Your kicking has gotten stronger, although you are definitely kicking much less than you did before. The other day, you gave me three sharp kicks to the rib, they were excruciating! Before you could kick the fourth time, I pushed my fingers into my belly to block my ribs and you ended up kicking my fingers. The swooshing across my belly has gotten to be less often, too, I think you are running out of room! The doctor told me you are head down, which I had already kind of figured out when I could feel your foot gliding across my belly. Sometimes you just kind of stop in one spot, long enough for me to feel the shape, definitely a foot!

I am so excited to meet you, to hold you for the first time, to get to know your personality. I understand that the delivery and birth will be really hard on you, too, and that living in this world will be totally different than what you are used to, but we're going to do everything possible to keep you comfortable and happy. There are many people out here that love you already, and all are very anxious to meet you, too.

We've finally decided on a name for you, but are keeping it a secret, because, well, it's our decision, and people will be much less likely to criticize it at all once it is officially your name. And, besides, we want to make sure it will suit you when we meet you. How else could we know if it is truly your name until we meet you?

These last 19 days are going to go by so slow, because we are so excited to meet you! I can't wait to bring you home.

Your father sums up our feelings with one phrase: "This will be the best thing we've ever done."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I love you.

Ready for baby when baby is ready for us

Well, I think we have everything we need. (I'm probably forgetting something crucial that I just don't know I need, but we'll figure that out when we get there, I guess.)

Crib. Check.

Change Table. Check.

Dresser filled with clothing. Check. (Thanks Chair and Mom!)

Shelf with diaper-changing accessories. Check.

Receiving blankets, towels, facecloths. Check.

Baby lotion. (being used by me - belly is itchy.) Check.

Car seat, stroller, high chair. Check, check, check.

Playpen/bassinet thing. Check.

All kinds of other stuff, toys big and small, lamp, bathing tub and stuff. All Check.


I am sure there is more to the list, but I don't feel like writing all of the little stuff. Except maybe these. We got these "Sprinkle No More" (aka Pee pee tee pee's) and also these ones from an etsy shop. I am going to sew a small ribbon 'hook' on the tip of each so they can be easily hung to dry near the change table.

Today, I went to the post office to get the last semi-big purchase we've made. We ordered a breast pump online, at http://www.breastpumpsdirect.com/ after researching A LOT, and seeing what is available to buy locally and all of the reviews on them, decided to buy this one from this place. Since Chris is planning to take 5 weeks parental leave at some point after his recovery, we both thought it might be a nice way for him to be able to bond with the baby. Or something. We'll see how it will go. I also think it might be good to have some milk stored for 'unknown'.

Maybe I think about stuff too much.

Actually, I know I do.

Either way, baby, (in 7.5 weeks) we're ready for you! :)