Am jobless again. Got a call from the higher paying job the day before s'posed to start at coffee loving place, and called to inform them I would not be working there, that I had gotten another opportunity.
Got picked up this a.m., after very little sleep, and after a scary ride out to Wold Lake (I was the only person out of the 5 in the truck who wore a seat belt, driver was speeding, driving dangerously, distractedly), sat around awaiting the foremans availability to fill out the hire pack. During this time, I had to fight off anxiety symptoms, and when we finally started to go through the paperwork, they got worse.
After a few minutes of me trying to concentrate, it became uncontrollable, and I felt the overwhelming symptoms: nausea, cramps, claustrophobia(esp. with clothes near my neck), dry mouth, etc. The foreman asked if I had not gotten enough sleep the night before, and I replied yes, and that I have anxiety issues. I then asked where the washroom wsa, and he went outside and pointed it out to me. When I finally returned, the foreman's boss was awaiting to talk to me, and seemingly had already made up his mind about what was going to happen.
He asked some questions, most of them implying that there was no way he would let me work there after this, and after "we" came to the decision it wasn't going to work out, told me to go wait in the coffee trailer, while they arrange for a ride home for me.
I then got a ride from an older guy, who was very nice, polite, understanding and best of all a responsible driver.
All in all, I was gone from the house for 4 hours. Saw LOTS of wildlife.
On the way there, with the reckless driver, a huge buck ran across the road in front of the truck, which the driver thankfully noticed and slowed down for a bit afterwards.
On the safer ride back, I saw a cute little red fox in the ditch, cleaning itself. It was about the size of a small cat, but with a huge tail.
I then saw what appeared to be 3 deer in a field, running away from the road, but I don't think they were deer. They ran like deer, but were very dark in color. (It was daylight, so I could see clearly). Antelope maybe?
And then, I saw a different type of fox, reddish brown with a patch of white at the tip of it's tail. It was bigger too, but not much.
So, I guess there was good and bad today. Out towards Wolf Lake, there is a lot of trees, and this morning, they had 'hoar frost' on them, and then it started to snow. So the drive back home was pretty peaceful, and somewhat relaxing. I got nervous as we got closer to my house, because I knew I would have to tell Chris, and I felt embarrassed enough.
Thankfully, he is very understanding, and I love him for it.
So, back out tomorrow, maybe go back to coffee heaven, etc.
Oh, and my hair is short now... about shoulder length. I will try to upload a pic to post here.
There is just one more thing I feel the need to say, even though I can't say it aloud. I feel embarrassed that this didn't work out. I know that I am in debt, and that this would have been a great way to start getting out of it. I know that I have a 'medical problem' that apparently isn't going to go away, with or without pills. I just feel so alone, when this stuff happens.
I feel like I let my family down. They get all excited for (and proud of) me when I get a job like this, and then something like this happens. I just feel like they are disappointed in me.
I just feel like no one understands. Like I am characterized by my anxiety. Like no one believes I will succeed as long as I have these issues, that if I don't go to the doctor(s), I can never work through it.
So, yeah. I am happy, just depressed when I think of having to explain this all to people. Maybe I should just hand them the address to this page, so they can try to understand. I don't know.
Either way, I don't want to talk about it.
I've discussed it with Chris, and that's all I need. I'm good now. I 've moved past it, and feel better.
I'll try to upload pix soon.
-B
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5 comments:
Blaine,
You could never let the family down because your job as a member of our (extended) family is to be you! You are who you are and we love you for being that person.
Everyone has anxiety about something, just some more than others. I remember just last month I had to give a short presentation to an executive commitee including a General and an Assistant Deputy Minister. I too had the bodily changes and my speaking abilities strangely enough reverted a grade one capacity. They all saw I was nervous and respected my courage. Afterwards, I shook when I walked down the hall and broke out in a sweat. I immediately (well after I stopped shaking) went back to my boss and asked to go back to in front of the same committee as often as I could in order to gain the experience and overcome my fears. I needed to prove to them that, that was not me. I knew I was better than that. And you know what I've done it now 5 times and it's a lot better. I just had to get to know them and their expectations.
I believe and know that you are not the person that was having the worst time of your life at that moment. You're not alone. Try again and again and you'll see it will get easier. Hell, your fine around those you know and love, it's just getting to know the others and them getting to know the real you.
And perhaps, considering the driver and others behaviour it may have not been the job for you.
You go and take life by the horns (ok, do it gently and take your time). Let them know the real Blaine.
Best of luck.
And oh, I'll have a extra large double cream.
Dude, on some levels I know how you feel. I'm STILL having problems with financial responsibilty and J is the only reason I'm doing OK. I feel like I let him down all the time and I worry about what Theya will be like.
I also know that you can conquer your anxiety, and like I said in our phone conversation, I know (to some extent) what you're going through. I think I lucked out in my circumstances many, many times and that I didn't need to struggle as much as you do sometimes. I also KNOW that you are a wonderful, intelligent, courteous and hard working person and that, when you do conquer your anxieties and find a place where you're really really happy, that you'll have EARNED it and you will be able to appreciate it.
Mwah!!
@:^)
@@
Thanks, Chair. I feel the same way with Chris, that I constantly disappoint him. He assures me I don't, but it is hard to blieve sometimes.
I know that Theya will be an amazing person!
I know that I will eventually find my ultimate "happy place", because it is all in my plan.
I think I made my plan a little bit tougher than most would be. Maybe not. (Going by the 'Sylvia Browne' theory that we (our spirits) plan our own lives, which also explains deja vu - your brain recognizes a moment because your spirit remembers seeing it before, during the planning - according to S.B., we plan our lives to experience negativity, because when we go 'home', there is none there. But all of that is for another day.
Thanks b.b.
Hi Blaine, I found your blog through the Illustration Friday site and was thinking about how difficult it must be to have to deal with anxiety issues. I listen to Hay House Radio online at www.hayhouseradio.com (it's free). I found this program in the archives from November 22-05. Healing Your Body, Mind, and Spirit with Eve A. Wood, M.D.
"Understanding and Transforming Anxiety: What’s the difference between stress and an anxiety disorder? How do you settle your nervous system and create internal peace? Discover what you can do to transform your anxiety with medical and non-medical approaches." I haven't listened to this particular program, but I have listned to several others and there is some really great information there. It might be the starting point you need to get past your anxiety.
Take good care - Rachelle
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