Beginning of a broken record

I imagine that soon enough, this post will be very similar to the response I will be perpetually giving to questions like 'how are you?' and "so what's new?'

I am tired. So tired.

I can't sleep most nights until about 4 or 5 a.m. and if I am lucky, stay asleep for about an hour at a time. (Then I wake up, go pee, maybe get something to drink, and go back to bed.)

(Wow, I know it's my blog and all, but the first three 'paragraphs' all started with "I". Not a good sign.)

A lot of people seem to think I have had a really hard time with this pregnancy, and I've been doing a lot of reflecting on it and can sort of understand why, but at the same time, still deny that.

Yeah, I had morning sickness (a lot of women do), and during the first trimester had a series of scares and issues. First, the doctor though the baby was ectopic, and might have required termination. Second, had some bleeding the night before the wedding and ended up in the hospital at 2 in the morning, worrying about miscarrying while a rude doctor bluntly says there's nothing he could do anyway - pure truth with no bedside manner or consideration for the already worried pregnant woman's feelings. Third, the previously mentioned morning sickness plus not being able to eat or drink much, then going to work in an all black outfit on a hot August day, sitting in a small, not ventilated room in the corner of a metal building, running around using energy I didn't have and calories I wasn't taking in, all added up to requiring a trip to the hospital to be pumped full of fluids and then the subsequent finding of another job. (All parties involved thought it best, no one forced anything.) I'd also ended up with a bladder infection that took forever to treat, and the antibiotic use led to 'other' issues which also took forever to clear up. (Fun fun fun.)

The job I ended up taking was night shift (don't get me started on THAT) which over time, caused other serious issues, including sleep and emotional problems. Almost immediately after leaving that job, most of the issues cleared up, including the carpal tunnel (until recently, anyway.), the anxiety, depression and 'other'. I was seriously messed up working nights and for my own personal reasons alone, I will NEVER recommend (and will strongly recommend against) pregnant women working night shifts.

The next job I went to, I worked at only briefly because I couldn't handle the pain it was causing. Even doing light duties and wearing an elastic support brace, my ligaments in my belly hadn't been used to my being upright and walking around, lifting and carrying, for as long as was required at that job. The only way I could make it through a shift was either to sit and do nothing (impossible) or to take more Tylenol than I was comfortable pumping into my system and then because he gets a little of everything I get, the baby's.

Since leaving that job, things haven't been so bad. The baby was kicking my ribs until they felt bruised, swollen and so sore it hurt to breathe, sure, but if he was lower in my belly, I'm sure there would be 'other' pains anyway. Yeah, he punches me straight downward once in a while, and rests on and abuses my bladder. I've got some minor heartburn issues, am short of breath. What pregnant woman doesn't go through that? (No one tells you all the little details, lest you decide to not have babies...)

I have to have a bath every night before bed to settle the RLS I've been getting, to make it 'slightly' easier to sleep. The baby has started dropping, and my hips ache, my back is unrelentingly sore, my pelvis is about 40 feet wider and I waddle like a penguin.

Again, whose doesn't?

There's a long list of things that I haven't had issues with (I'm sure can still pop up in this last week, but so far so good.) and I think that they may be the reason I am so thankful and have a more positive outlook on the issues I do have.

Yeah, I get frustrated with the sleeping problems I am having, and every couple of days, after sitting in bed trying to sleep for a few hours, I cry. It helps. I sleep. (Most of the time.)

I don't have hemorrhoids, my heartburn/reflux issues are easily dealt with with a single Tums (all except one occasion), and the baby is healthy. Hell, people seem surprised that I haven't yet swelled up enough to have to take off my wedding ring (@ 39 weeks, I am told this is impressive. I don't get how it is impressive. Maybe not common, but impressive, really?) and that I haven't really gained a huge amount of weight. (Even though I sure made an effort, especially at Christmas. Man, I was eating a TON of food, and I think the baby was just active enough to burn it all off! Who knows?) A couple of people seem quite annoyed that I've had it 'easy' and that pregnancy isn't kicking (and widening) my ass, but the majority of people still sympathize and react to me in general as if I am super fragile, having had a really rough time. Which I still vehemently deny.

There's been some other stress, what with Chris having had his surgery (better BEFORE the baby is born, though) and being on very limited disability payments, my Maternity Leave STILL not having been calculated/decided/whatever (and it's been 2 months) so having had no income at all while of course, bills keep coming in, mortgage and car payments keep going out, and us silly people keep eating.

Financial issues aside, we're all doing great.

Chris' surgery went well (the doctor warned us it might take another surgery to clear up the problem, but luckily one was all it took!) and he has healed quickly and fantastically. He still isn't 100% healed, the skin is still re-growing, but all things in time.

The baby is still doing great. He's upside down, for sure, still kicks regularly and sleeps often, and I am almost certain he is posterior (facing my back) and dropping. (For those who don't know - if Baby was facing the front when I go into labour and doesn't turn during labour, his back will be up against my spine, which makes for very painful back labour and a tougher delivery, so I am told.)

My waddle has increased significantly over the last few weeks, my belly sticks out more, and is itchy and covered with what started out as stretch marks that looked like a tiger cub reached up and scratched my lower abdomen in an awkward stretch. These same stretch marks have slowly spread, but still aren't 'that' bad, and whether or not they are bad, I could care less about them! (I was never concerned about getting stretch marks, and am less concerned about whether they will go away or not.)

Other than not sleeping, and generally not feeling that well, I'm doing great, and am looking towards the future week or two with a tad more nervousness than last week, but I am still very excited.

My general view, going in, is that first of all, I've never done this before, don't know what to expect, and will go in with an open mind. If I can do it without pain medication, great. If I decide I want an epidural, so be it. I think I would prefer not to have the epidural, for many reasons, both related to me and the baby, but am not going to go in saying NO when I really don't know.

Secondly, if billions of women have done it before me (and a LARGE majority without pain medication), then I will be fine, too.

Thirdly, I knew what I was getting into when we got pregnant. I've always known that being pregnant isn't all pickles and ice cream and putting your feet up and eating more food. Some things were a bit of a surprise, some things the books didn't mention at all  especially how funny it would be to your husband that one second you'll be standing in the kitchen putting away dishes and then after a quick "oooh" you have to run to the bathroom to keep from peeing your pants because the baby is repeatedly punching it.
(none of the books mentioned the baby punching/kicking straight downward. "Baby McCrea, at your cervix." Chris likes to joke... I don't really find it as funny, because it is freaking painful.)

Regardless of all of the above, and all of the other symptoms or side effects of pregnancy I could have gotten, I know that none of it will matter the instant the doctor hands me the baby. There's no point in being bitter or resentful about 'what I had to go through' because I would gladly go through it all over again.

I haven't even met him yet. But I so can't wait.